I'm not going to pretend that nothing's happened ever since that day I opened my eyes and saw his horrible character hidden within. I hate everything he has done to mum, to me, and to my brother. Some memories are just so hard to erase and I can't pretend to love and appreciate his presence. Neither can I erase the fact that he's my father and I thank him for serving his responsibility of bringing me up partially.

Life's not always filled with cherries and butterflies. One day, I hope to think of him and be happy with myself for whatever decisions that I've made and that I'm finally free from all this shit. Sometimes, I wonder... Why am I the one suffering? Why can't I live the life of a kid of some fucking celebrity or be some socialitie or whatever rich ass kid. I really do wonder. Perhaps that's just the way my life's written and I just have to accept the fact that I'm only human and there's nothing I can do about it.

Being 18 isn't easy. To other teenagers out there, life's probably all about clubbing, drinking, smoking, and enjoying life trouble-free. But my life, isn't as well written as some lucky others,sadly. Last night, I finally realized that I have to step it up and be an adult who can take up responsibilities, and save the day. Well, my day, or my mum's day at least. I just feel so helpless sometimes. I don't want to be the one watching and not being able to do anything to help my poor mum. I want to help her in as many ways as I can. I just wish for me to be more wise and helpful.

As we all know, the economy is kinda going into deep shit right now. How many people have been retrenched thanks to the fucking economic crisis? It's predicted to worsen and life's probably going to get harder... I really pity mum for working and suffering so much for her children. Even to the extent of sacrificing her health, her wealth, and her future. Ever since the day I was born, I've added another load to her shoulders and I feel bad for it. Now that I'm 18, shouldn't I be helping her instead of giving her more problems? I used to just sit there and hope that things would just be okay soon. But I guess that that's not going to work. She's handling and facing all the fucking problems of our lives and I can't sit back and do nothing. I don't want to watch her suffer alone. I want to be the one who'd take the stab from that fucking man. I want to stand up for her. I want to protect her from the devils. I want to walk this road with her. I want to give her what she deserves. I want to see her smile. I want her to be free from all the shit. She doesn't deserve this. Not a single bit of this.

And that fucking man whom I strongly think don't deserve me calling "Dad", is going to squander her hard earned money on some fucking shares. Shares- just another meaning for gambling, causes families to be torn, futures to be destroyed, and lives to change. Say life is all about taking risks and falling down. My future, my brother's future, my mum's future,and even your own is all going to be at risk. And you are going to risk all that? I say, it's just plain greed. And what's worse, you're only being nice to her now because you want her money. Well, I've got a few suggestions for you if you're ever reading this. Why not "borrow" it from your dearly beloved sisters and nieces whom you treat so nicely? Probably even better than your wife and children. Why not sell all your property and get the dough immediately in which you can gamble it away and lose all of it. Why not ask your rich relatives for help? You're always asking money from mum when you have so many other alternatives and I fucking hate you for it! You never repent and whenever you lose money on shares, you fucking take it out on us. We don't deserve this. You do.

Seriously, what can I do? In a worse case scenario, she'll probably get hit by that man if she doesn't lend him the dough in full. If not, it'd probably be me who gets hit,in which I am willing to in exchange, for his bloody conscience. I wish I could squash him like an ant or just create a vortex to make him disappear from the surface of this bloody Earth but I can't. Tell me how am I supposed to deal with this. My brother's always being a fucking immature,ass hole and adding on to her stress and making me so mad. I hate him for doing this but I have to be tolerant. I have to.

I wish things turn out well. I really pray for things to turn out well... since I can't really do much to help because I'm so superbly stupid, I just hope that God will make me wiser and be a useful,better person, make that fucker come to his senses and stop gambling for good, treasure and appreciate his family with love and respect, awaken my annoying and irritating brother, and just stop giving my mum any more sufferings. She has suffered more than enough.

I'm so sorry for writing so much crap but I just wanted to type all this out and feel better. Call me a saddist or drama queen, but this is my life,for now. I know things will change for the better in due time... It will. If not, you'll probably see me in the papers soon, in which, is highly unlikely because I know life's exactly like a rollercoaster. When there's a up, there's a down, and when there's a down, a up is on the way. :) worry not for I am stronger than you think.